Thursday, October 30--Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman. These are the true facts of Morgan Freeman.
In the beginning, Morgan Freeman spoke, "Get busy living, or get busy dying," and the universe was thrust into being. Nowadays, this man of legend does far more than act in movies. All those movies that he "acts" as God? Yep. It's really him in the flesh.
You know what we believe to be earthquakes? That's just the Earth shaking in pleasure when it listens to "March of the Penguins."
When Morgan Freeman is hired to narrate a documentary, he speaks, and then nature simply makes it so. If he says that the sun is shining in Mexico, then the sun will come out.
When Morgan Freeman cries, it rains. In heaven.
When he smiles, a unicorn is born.
And when he laughs, an angel gets it's wings.
Morgan Freeman narrated his own birth, saying, "And I, Morgan Freeman, have entered this world to take my rightful place as king."
Don't think that's all he does, oh no. He also narrates the lives of everyone on the planet, including yours. He does his best to make you look dignified even when you are wasted after a night of heavy drinking.
I'm sure you go most of you life without thinking about Morgan Freeman, and most days go by without you ever hearing his name.
But he is most certainly thinking about you.
Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman. These are the true facts of Morgan Freeman.

"I like you just the way you are."--Morgan Freeman

PS. Check out Zefrank's real true facts about Morgan Freeman on YouTube.

Tuesday, October 28--Mrs. Reynolds goes to Dollywood

It was a fine, spring day, with the birds chirping in the trees with a healthy breeze flowing through the trees. The beautiful weather inspired Mrs. Sallee Reynolds, the principal of a high school, decided to take a well deserved break from all of the delinquents that she had to deal with everyday.  Since it was gorgeous out, she decided to go where everyone goes when the sun is shining; Dollywood.

So of Mrs. Reynolds went, leaving all of er minions, the Mr. Miller and the Mr. Ash, to do her bidding at the school while she went to the amusement park. When she arrived, however, she found out that every other high school in East Tennessee was having a field trip to Dollywood as well. "Oh, the humanity!" she cried, wondering if she'd ever be able to escape nasty teenagers. She stiffened her resolve, thinking, ''They're not my responsibility, I can just ignore them all." And ignore them she did, even to the extent when they had to dive out of her way when she was looking for a parking spot. She found one that, until that moment, had been occupied by three particularly horrible looking teenagers. She stepped out of her car, took a sharpie from her pocket, and made three marks on the door, along side dozens of others. "Three more for today," she said happily as she headed to buy a ticket.

Once she reached the gates, however, she remembered that she had forgotten her gold pass at home, and there was no way she was going to buy a regular ticket. So, she held her breath as she mixed in with a gang of kids from Karns and slipped in behind one of them before the game could close again. Finally, she was free to do whatever she wanted. She started to skip through the park, knocking ice cream cones out of the hands of children and popping their balloons with a special needle that she carried with her for such occasions. At one point, a pair of security guards were turned on her, but she quickly lost them by diving through another group of teens, this one from Farragut. She coughed and hacked once she reached the other side, self-conscious that she now smelled like a bunch of extra money. Wanting to rid herself of the taint, she rode on the train back and forth until she smelled like burnt coal. Now cleaned of Farragut, she decided it was high time that she hit the roller coasters.

Of course, all of the teenagers wanted to ride these as well, so Mrs. Reynolds was forced to wait in long Disney lines. She was not very patient. She used her special needle to poke and prod people to move her way up to the front of the lines. If anyone complained, she told them that she was a high school principal and that she could do whatever she wanted. By then, she was starting to actually enjoy her little vacation, for she could be mean to teenagers and not get fired for it.

But that joy was short lived. Out of the north came the sound of a hurricane, for there was a hurricane a' comin'. The park was plunged into chaos as the tropical storm ripped through carnival land, devouring hundreds of innocent children and all the teenagers who didn't have the balls to ride real roller coasters. Just as the storm hit, Mrs. Reynolds was in line for the Mystery Mine ride. When she saw the storm consuming all of the children, her long-buried conscious resurfaced, saying that it was her sworn duty to protect them. Deciding to do the right thing for once, Mrs. Reynolds sprang into action. She knew that there was only one thing in all of Dollywood that could stop a hurricane a' comin'. The Tennessee Tornado, is, as the name would suggest, the embodiment of a real tornado. It could harness the winds and the rains of this earth to strike down all the enemies of Dolly Parton. Mrs. Reynolds also knew that if one was to ride it fifteen times in a row, the captured tornado would break free, and, serve all who rode it. Luckily, there was no line, for most everyone had abandoned the park by then. She hopped aboard and strapped herself in, telling the terrified attendant to, "Fire 'er up and keep 'er going!"

The Tennessee Tornado went around and around, faster and faster, until Mrs. Reynolds was going at eye-blurring speed. At the fifteenth time around, she fully expected the ride to turn into the powerful storm of legend. But, to her disappointment, it did not, for that was just a stupid story some kid made up. Now stuck on the ride, with the hurricane coming for her, she decided she regretted nothing from her life. Deciding for one last act of heroism, she used her needle to pick the lock on her restraint. Now freed, she dived right into the eye of the swirling hurricane, screaming, "Leeeeeeeerrrrooooooyyy Jeeeeeennnnnkkkiiiiiinnnsss!" Both her and the hurricane dissolved in a flash from the almighty power of Mrs. Reynolds' last words. But it's not a total lost, for like half of Dollywood was still standing.
THE END

*I have nothing against Mrs. Reynolds, Dolly Parton, or anyone from Karns or Farragut. So please don't get me in trouble.*

Monday, October 27--Fairy Tale Name Poem

S--Sarcastic
N-- Nerdy
O--Obliging
W--Writer

W--Witty
H--Heteroclite
I--Intelligent
T--Tall
E--Enigmatic

Thursday, October 23---That's punny

"Hey Jonathan, you need to stop with the cripple jokes; I can't stand them!" Came the voice of my alter ego, who chose the name Burgle, for some odd reason. I saw him coming from down the hall. The hair on the back of my neck stood straight; I had been issued a challenge. "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up Jonathan? Because it was two tired!"

I understood what this meant. It was to be a pun war. "Then let us duel!" I reply, and so the epic battle began.
My enemy had already thrown two at me, so it was up to me to throw a comeback. "Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity!"
Burgle evilly laughed, long and loud. "You'll have to do much better than that! Where do you find chili beans?"
"In Chili?"
"No, you idiot, in the North pole!" My opponent laughed again. I was losing, and we both knew it.
"An expert farmer is outstanding in his field!" I shot back.
"That was a total rip-off, like Velcro! You are weak!"
"I got a job at the bakery because I kneaded dough!"
Burgle smirked. "You're getting better, but not nearly strong enough! Cannibals like to meat people!"
"That was stupid! You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum set!"
"You fool! That wasn't even a pun, just a really horrible joke!"
"It's like the Atlantic and Pacific, I don't sea the difference!" I knew I was started to gain the upper hand; Burgle's grin flickered doubtfully.
"I used to sell computer parts, but I lost my drive," my enemy countered, rebuilding his former strength.
I knew I had to push my advantage while my enemy was weakened. "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! Old schools never die, they just lose their principals. Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Ark Hives!"
Burgle fell to his knees, driven down by my attack. "Venison for dinner? Oh deer!" he offered meekly.
"What must you know to be a house-salesman? Lots. How did Hitler tie his shoe-laces? In little Nazis. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me."
Burgled covered his face with his hands. "No more! The pun is too strong in this one!"
"Then you should get on a lower level," I say as I kick him down the stairs. "If your head hearts, then it's because a hangover happens after the grapes of wrath stop by."
I threw down my enemy and smote him at the bottom of the stairwell. The pun war was over, and I was victorious. All of my peers who bore witness to this great event stood in awe, and I gave them a battle speech to raise their spirits. "I see the same fear in your eyes that would take the heart of me! A day may come, when the spirit of men fails, when we forsake all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day. A day may come when the age of men comes crashing down like Burgle, but it is not this day! By the lives of everything you hold dear, draw your sword with me today, for this day we fight! I bid you stand, men, of the West!" And with that, I dove gallantly from the stairwell and charged off into the sunset.

How I saw all of my loyal soldiers. 

All of my peers laughed as soon as I had gone. All they saw was some kid prancing about spitting horrible puns and misquoting the Lord of the Rings. They decided to simply throw me down to a lower level when I came back. And that's the story of how I got my head cracked open by a bunch of sophomores in high school.

How they saw me. 

Tuesday, October 21--Deja Vu

Caroline studied the old man carefully. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but something about him reminded her of someone else. But who? Though she was a clever girl, this was one question that she could never answer. For the old man was just an ordinary bloke strolling with his dog down the street. What Caroline did not understand, she had fallen into a deadly mind trap. The viscous and fatal Deja Vu cycle.
The girl blinked, and she saw the old man once again. And, once again, the thought that she had seem him before bounced off of her brain. She had already had this thought three different times in under a minute. She blinked again. And again. And the same thought kept on popping up. Her Deja Vu was out of control; she couldn't separate her mind from the man and his possible doppelgangers. Her head began to ache. It was starting to overload and slow down from the endless waves of Deja Vu. Caroline could not escape; she was too trapped in her own mind. Soon, she was Deja Vu-ing the fact that she was Deja Vu-ing. And then, she became conscious of this, and deja vu-ed the deja vu on the fact that she was deja vu-ing. What was real and what was not? Her eyes could no longer see clearly; there was only the image of the old man walking his dog, and then herself watching the man and the dog from the third person, and then herself watching herself watching the old man, and then herself watching herself watching herself watching the old man.
Caroline did everything she could to break free, but to no avail. She was falling, falling, falling, through the pavement that she had once stood on. Now she was falling through it again, but watching herself do it from the third person. And again. And again. There was a bright light in front of her eyes, and her head hurt so much that she couldn't focus on anything but the pain.
But then the pain was gone.
Caroline opened her eyes, hoping to find herself back on the street, or, at the very worst, heaven. But to her eternal disappointment, she was surrounded by fire and the souls of the damned. Her deja-vu had plunged her into hell. And she belonged there, because she was a horrible person who stalked and murdered old people.
The end.

Thursday October 16--Rain

There is no better weather than a good thunderstorm. It gives someone like me a good excuse to stay inside and be anti-social. Or, sometimes, I do go outside, but just to run around and hope I don't get struck by lightening. For some weird reason, I love the smell of rain on asphalt. Don't ask me why, because I probably couldn't tell you. Rain brings in a chill that drives away the last stuffiness of summer this time of year. It cools down my house enough so I can actually fall asleep at night. The endless drip dripping of the rain outside my window is probably the most soothing sound that has ever reached my ears. It'll put me to sleep at night or during the day I just open up my window and add some life back into my room. Colors always seem to look sharper after a heavy rainfall when the sun comes out. The grey clouds allow me to be cynical in a happy way. Or vice versa. I'm really not sure. But it does make me happy, for reasons that I can't explain. I may just find joy in the wrong ways, but rain usually fits my mood, in a strange sort of way. Of course, rain brings life to basically everything; without it we all would have been nothing more than dust in the wind. Coming from a family who are big farmers, a rain storm in the height of summer can mean the difference between a dried up crop or a successful harvest. The best part is when it gets colder and colder, when the rain turns to sleet and the rain turns to snow, and on those evenings when you're praying to God that the rain turns to snow during the night and you get off school the next day. I live for those evenings, with my fireplace, a good book, and some warm apple cider. And I don't care if this makes me sound old.

In case this was tl;dr, then here's a quick summary. I like rain.

Wednesday, October 15--I remember when...

I remember when I first decided to lift the mightiest weapon on this Earth. I wanted to create something that could topple empires, overthrow gods, and start revolutions. I had used them almost all of my life, and for almost 13 years now I wanted to create one of my own.. Of course, mine isn't likely going to cause the country to collapse or throw the world into chaos. I do hope, however, that it's something that many will remember for the rest of their lives. I remember the day I decided to write a book. And not just one book. Five.
I made this decision to write this story when I was in fifth grade. I began writing at that time as well, and as you could probably guess, they were really, really, bad. Now, with my writing skills significantly more developed, they are vastly improved. And after almost 8 years, I'm still writing new things and revising what has already been recorded. It's the greatest project that I've ever begun, and one of the few that I will finish. Though I may be only halfway done with the most awesomely epic and thrilling and extremely modest adventure that you've ever read, I will always remember the day I began. It's easily one of the most monumental decisions I've ever made in my short life.

Friday, October 10--Pet Peeve

I have many, many, pet peeves. I have so many that I'm not sure if I'm even aware of half of them. But in an attempt to not sound completely cynical, I'll only explain one or two of them. Ok, so I'm sure we all have those friends who make plans or discuss previous parties and events in front of you that they didn't invite you to. I have a lot of them. And it drives me crazy. IF you didn't want to invite me to your party, then fine, it's not a big deal. But if you talk about it in front of me and say how awesome it was, it just feels like I'm being mocked. What makes it even worse is when someone says, "Dude you should've been there!"
And I reply, "Well, I would have, if you had invited me."
This happens to me all the time. I'm fairly certain that I hear about more parties that my friends have more than being actually invited to them. It makes you feel super unwanted, and it's kind of a slap to the face in the sense that I really don't have much of a social life, and these people aren't making it any better.
Lesson: if you want to talk about a party or something, don't do it in front of people who expected to be invited but weren't.

Tuesday, October 7--the Flip Side

They're lying to me.
They didn't care that I couldn't see.
I was gone for weeks, blinded and alone.
And not a single message showed up on my phone.
They say they are my friends, but they gave no support.
I might as well have been locked up in some inescapable fort.
In the time I needed them the most, I was abandoned.
And my ship of trust hasn't landed,
on the shores of anyone ever since
I was left alone as the one-eyed prince.




We aren't lying to you;
We've been struggling with this too.
We've noticed you absence, and you've not been alone.
Yes, there have been some messages sent to your phone.
We did the best that we knew how, to give you all of our support,
But to us its seemed as if you've locked yourself up inside your personal fort.
You kept us away, not talking to anyone.
And just to have you know, everyone
had been hoping for the best,
and truthfully, this is no jest.

Monday, October 6--Persona Poem

A day in the very complicated mind of Kanye West

I think I will do something for myself today,
just like every other day .
Why should this day be any different?
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
I really love that word.
Everyone should love me as much as I love myself.
I am the most talented music artist out there.
I am also not a gay fish.
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
I don't care if you're in a wheelchair.
You better stand up when I tell you to.
Because I'm Kanye West, and I own this world.
I wonder if I can name a country after me.
I gave my son a name that he will always love me for.
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
Oh, I guess Kim is there too.

Oh, don't give me that look

Wednesday, October 1st--Fairy Tale Characters

Aurora is sleeping beauty?

I never saw that movie.

My mother said that it would scare me.

I hardly know anything of the story.

All I know is that some girl pricks her finger,

and for some reason, that basically kills her.

This all happens because some witch without any hair

is all jealous or something because she isn't very fair.  

From out of the blue comes Prince Charming of course,

on top of some silly white horse.

He has to do the whole 'True Love's Kiss' thing 

Otherwise Aurora will forever be sleeping.

So Prince Charming goes off to fight the evil witch,

Who can turn into a dragon, which is a bit of a hitch.

In the story, I believe he wins, but let's be honest:

That dragon would have killed him dead. 

He dies here. Sorry. Aurora stays asleep.