Friday, August 29-Two Moons

"Guys, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," Joseph said as the team opened the top hatch of the submarine to look around. Two gigantic moons hovered in the sky; one was pearly white, but the other was dark blue. There were also thousands upon thousands of stars to be seen, far more than any place on Earth.

"It's beautiful," Kathy said, squeezing up alongside Joseph.

"Could you two make some room?" Came a voice from below. Kathy and Joseph quickly jumped out of the way as the team leader, Daniel, and the other two crew members, Tom and Sarah, emerged on top of the submarine.

There was silence for a long time as the five people sat on the wet hull of their submarine, staring off into the infinite depths of space. "Does anyone have any idea where we are?" Tom asked, but no one answered him. They were all too busy examining the skies, except for Daniel, who was already trying to work out the dilemma on how to get back.

"We need to find land," he muttered, scanning the horizon. "We need to find some intelligent life, whatever that may be, and find out what is going on."

"But which direction should we go?" Sarah asked. "I can't see anything but water." The whole team stood up carefully and looked about, but none of them saw anything promising.

"There has to be land somewhere," Kathy reasoned. "We should start heading in some direction; wherever we go, we should strike land eventually."

"But how long will that take? We don't have that much supplies. We were only supposed to pick up some coral samples, not be out on the ocean for weeks," Daniel said angrily, upset that he couldn't find an easy solution to the problem he was now stuck in.

"Land could literally be just out of sight," Joseph argued. "We might as well try. I don't fancy being stuck out here until we die of thirst."

"Or we could just head back down," Kathy reasoned. "We must have gone through a portal of some kind. Maybe it can take us back the other way." Understandably, this struck them all as a great idea, so they all headed back down into the belly of their sub. Once the hatch was sealed, they dove deep into the waters.

"How deep were we when we first got here?" Daniel asked.

"Can't say. It looks like all of our sensors are still malfunctioning," Joseph reported from his station. The sub went ever deeper, until they could all feel the pressure starting to become extreme.

"We didn't go this deep. If we were going to go through it, we would've done it by now. Bring us back up to the surface," Tom advised, and Daniel took the submarine out of it's dive and slowly ascended back to the surface. On the journey back up, no one spoke. They were all too worried on what they would do if they hadn't made it back.

The sub broke the surface, and there was a scramble to get out of the top hatch. Tom was the first one through, and he swore loud enough for everyone to hear him. "There's still two moons! It didn't work!"

"What are we going to do know?" Sarah asked.

"Do what Kathy suggested. We pick a direction and hope for the best," Daniel decided. They picked what they guessed was west and started prowling through the ocean into the distant horizon.

To be continued..though probably not

Thursday, August 28-Space, 2199

The Interstellar Human Alliance was flourishing by the turn of the 23rd century. It was spread from the Horse Head Nebula to Simonic Cluster and everywhere in between. And in the center of this galactic community was Earth, the crown and jewel to the human empire. At it's head was President Sevester Hank, a very vain man who believed that he was the one who had lead the IHA to greatness, even though it was his predecessors who are to thank for such prosperity. 

Besides the incompetent leader, it seemed that the IHA was heading into the middle of a golden age. Not since the first contact war and victory over the Alusion Hierarchy back in 2143 had there been such wide-spread joy. But a certain discover by Nora, the head of the Alliance's Science Association, was about to change that forever.  

A very flustered and frightened looking Nora finally, after weeks of calling old friends and pulling strings, was given an audience with President Hank. She was ushered into his private office in the ever-growing metropolis of Washington DC. It was easily the size of a space cruiser, with paintings of Hank covering the walls, with some of them even placed over previous leaders of the IHA. There was a great, towering statue in the very middle that showed Hank leading the space navy to battle against the Alusion Hierarchy, even though he was barely alive at the time.

President Hank sat behind his desk with his feet up, looking just as smug as he always did on TV. He stood up as Nora approached and held out his hand, saying, “Good to meet you. I’m sure that his must be a great pleasure for you.”

Nora returned the handshake, but reluctantly. “Yes, sir, I’m sure it is. But today I don’t have the time for niceties. We have an enormous problem breaching on the horizon.”

“And what problem is that, my dear?” Hank said.

“We have to prepare for an empire-wide evacuation,” Nora replied, getting straight to the point.

“And why is that, my dear?” Hank said, sounding as if he couldn’t care less. Nora had the sudden urge to smack the smug grin off of the president’s face.

Nora placed a holo-projector down on the desk and pressed a button. A 3-D model of the galaxy appeared, floating in front of her eyes. “The black hole in the center of our galaxy is expanding at an unprecedented and unforeseen rate. The causes are still to be determined, but it shows no sign of stopping. We estimate that in a matter of years, it will consume the entire galaxy.”

“And what of it? It wouldn’t dare reach Earth and harm the planet where I live,” Hank snorted. He seemed entirely unconcerned at the fact that his empire was doomed.

“Sir, you do understand what a black hole is, correct? It is not a sentient being that fear your name. It is a space anomaly that will destroy the entire Milky Way Galaxy whether you like it or not.” Nora was fast losing patience with Hank. Did he not understand the danger?

“Well, when the stupid thing gets to close, I’ll send in the space navy. We have over a thousand ships now; they can take care of it.”

Nora slammed her fist down on the desk, making Hank jump. “No, they won’t! You’d be sending them all to their deaths! And if they’re that stupid to follow your orders, than they probably deserve it,” she added under her breath.

“Well, then I’ll be sure to have my shuttle ready. We’ll just fly away when it gets to close.” Hank seemed disappointed that he couldn’t just throw his fleet at the problem to make it go away.

“And what about the three and a half trillion citizens under your rule?”

“What about them?” Hank said, pulling out a holo-projector of his own and started to play a game on it.

Nora picked it up and threw it across the room before shouting in the president’s face. “Those people are your responsibility! You have to organize a galaxy-wide evacuation before it is too late! And why you’re at it, add more funding into my inter-galactic space travel project! We’re going to need to know how to cross the dark space before this all happens!”

“No one is leaving anywhere! There is an election coming up, and if no one is in their designated voting areas, then I won’t be re-elected!” Hank roared, becoming very purple in the face. Nora simply turned around and left the office. She decided that it was wasting her now insanely valuable time by speaking to that idiot. If he wouldn’t listen to her, maybe the vice-president would. If Hank wasn’t going to save the galaxy, then it would be up to her. 

Wednesday, August 27-Animal Invention

It's common knowledge that most animals can see in the dark. It's also common knowledge that we humans are absolutely horrible at it. If there is one thing that we should take from the animal kingdom is to develop a way to see in the dark.
Cats can do this, so why can't we? We already have infra-red night-vision goggles that give the user a greenish and still not very clear view of the night. But these are expensive and cumbersome, and there needs to be a better way.
Basically, we could invent a special kind of contact of glasses that allow humans to see as well in the dark as animals can. There already are those special glasses that darken when the sun is out and such, so we should be able to invent something that basically does the opposite. If you were out at night, all you would have to do is make sure you had contacts in our slip on some glasses. Or, even better, humans could undergo some kind of cataract surgery where doctors insert a special lens straight into the eye that allows humans to have exceptional eyesight in both the dark and light permanently. Something like this would greatly benefit the human race and make us a whole lot cooler. It's either this or we have to invent those super awesome jet-pack things from Captain America 2. With those, humans could fly basically anywhere they want without having to deal with airport security and all of that garbage. Combine these things with night vision contacts, and we wouldn't have to rely on roads or cars anymore, as long as you weren't going any great distance.
I think these are great ideas, but feel free to disagree. But I don't think the animal kingdom has much more to offer us than personal flight and seeing super well in the dark.

These things. We need these.

Tuesday, August 26-Concert

How did I allow my brother to convince me to come to the Linkin Park concert? Don't get me wrong, I love Linkin Park, as well as almost any other kind of music that you can think of. What I don't enjoy, however, are concerts in the slightest.
I stand next to my brother a good many rows from the stage. Of course, everyone else in front of us are standing too, so I can hardly see anything. All I see are a thousand fists in the air and bright lights and lasers that randomly flash across my vision. Most people don't go to a concert for the sole purpose of seeing the band, but when you can't see them at all, it kind of diminishes the excitement.
The place is also far too crowded. People on all sides jostle me, and if we weren't so packed together I probably would have fallen down by now and would've been trampled.  Claustrophobia has been creeping up on me for some time, but it's an hour into the concert and I'm not so sure that I'm going to make it much longer. Someone's elbow drives into my ribs, and I have to resist the temptation to shove back. My personal space bubble has been popped the moment I walked through the doors, and it doesn't show any sign of coming back anytime soon.
Of course, and you can call me old for this, but the noise is a little too much. Everyone around me, especially the girls, are screaming endlessly in my ear. I'm starting to think that they do not need to breathe at all when they are excited; it never ends. They are so loud that I can barely understand the band, even though the are loud enough to give you hearing problems in the future. It's just an endless symphony of clashing and banging and shrieking in my ears, and I can't distinguish who from what and what from who. What's the point of going to a concert if you can't hear anything that the band is playing, let alone understand it? The drummer is being a little too enthusiastic; he is almost drowning out even the girls' screams. When he clashes against the symbols, I feel like someone just stabbed a needle through my eardrum. This is not very enjoyable at all, I'm not ever sure how I'm thinking about what I'm complaining about. It's like my mind is still trying to retrain some sanity and thought and this concert keeps barging in and taking everything over. Of course, my thoughts don't go down that easily, so they fight back, like they clearly are now. Now my head is a war-zone, and it results in a crushing headache. That it turn aggravates my weak eye, making me start to feel sick. The bass in my chest, though a cool sensation at first, is combining with my headache and is making me feel nauseous. I can't stand the noise, the shoving, or the random blinding lights anymore. Once the song ends, I manage to shout into my brother's ear and tell him that I'm really not feeling good. Like the good brother he is, we leave the concert to my ultimate relief. I can't believe I blew thirty bucks just to come to an hour of sensational assault. Music should be enjoyed by oneself, or with a small group of people. After all, music triggers each person's emotions differently, and my emotions just can't stand being crammed in with all those other people's feelings.

Monday, August 25-Literary Character

Today, I think, I am going to cheat. Well, not really, just sort of. Of all the fictional characters that I can think of, I would rather bring one from my own books. So that's what I shall do.

This particular character is named Da'veran. His odd name comes from the fact that he is a Domest, a feline, warrior race that is the backbone of interstellar government. They can grow as big as lions, and as small as dogs, but are fierce, proud, and loyal to the end.

Da'veran is a member of a secret society, known as the Order of the White Robe, which is an organized force of Domest wizards that do their best to cleanse the darkness from the universe. Obviously, to be a member of this organization, one has to be a wizard, and Da'veran is one of the best.

Now, if I could bring Da'veran into the real world, it is not just because of his powerful magical abilities. He is calm and cool-headed, and his age has brought him lots of wisdom and experience. He would be a truly loyal and handy companion to have around. To make this story character enter the real world, I think I in turn will have to write a story.

The day was going perfectly well and ordinary, as most Saturdays do. I was doing nothing in particular, trying to fix one of the mods I had created on my computer. Completely involved in my task, as well as listening to music, I completely missed the soft zipping sound that came from behind me. However, I would have had to been blind to miss the golden flash that developed my room.

Completely startled, I sprang backwards, knocking my chair out from under myself and falling to the floor. I lay there, slightly dazed, suddenly amazed at how white and boring my ceiling was. I heard a soft cough from the other side of my bed. "I say, are you alright?"

I slowly rose my head up so I could see over the bed. What I saw immediately forced it back down again. Standing in the middle of my room was a giant, cat like creature with oddly pale eyes. He was dressed in a white robe that was trimmed with black silk, and he seemed quite unnerved at the fact that he had just materialized in the middle of my room. "Are you alright?" The creature said again, "I did not mean to startle you."

I was almost completely lost for words. I had no idea, who, what, or why this creature was in my room. "I think I'm fine, except I'm not sure if my heart is still beating," I finally say.

"Well then why are you still on the floor? Get up, you look rather silly hiding down there," the creature spoke. "Besides, this is not the way to meet an old friend, now is it?"

I stood up, for some underlying tone in the creatures voice made me think that he would have made me do it whether I wanted to or not. "Old friend? I think I would know if I had met you before."

"Of course you know me! I am Da'veran, a White Robe Reclaimer that you wrote about. I am your creation, so of all beings in this universe, you should know me the best."

"Da'veran? But you're in my books? How are you here? I don't remember falling asleep or taking any drugs today," I joked, starting to calm down. If this truly was Da'veran, than I would be perfectly safe with him.

"As you obviously know, I am a very gifted wizard. Powerful enough, I dare say, to break free of the restrictions of your imagination and join you, for a time, in the real world." The Domest looked around. "Is this it? It isn't quite what I expected. In my world, Earth seemed a little bit...different."

"This is just my room. There's a whole lot more to this planet. Just step outside the door," I said, pointing behind Da'veran. The Domest complied, and was back a second later.

"You have a very nice home," he said. "I'm surprised it's still standing, regarding everything that has happened here."

I knew that Da'veran must have an entirely different reality of Earth. The one that he has seen is entirely different than the one that we live in today. "So why are you here?" I finally asked.

"I felt that I should spend some time with my creator," Da'veran said simply, spreading his arms wide. "Do I need another reason?"

I shrugged. "I guess not. But what do you want to do?" I was completely puzzled on what one does with a powerful wizard on a Saturday afternoon.

"Anything you can possibly imagine. I am not bound to your reality; I am merely a guest. Of all the places in your universe, where do you want to start?" The Domest said with a toothy grin.

I returned it, saying, "You know what? I have never seen the Grand Canyon."

"Then grab my arm." I did so, and we disappeared in a flash of golden light to begin the first of many adventures.

Friday, August 22-Wacky Words

Since it is a Friday night, I will have a lot of time on my hands since I will be putting off every repulsive thing of importance till Sunday evening. My friends have the same mindset that I do, and we decide that we should go off and be as counter-productive as we possibly can. So what is the first solution that we come up with? Bowling. 

My friend Jacob is the one to propose this repulsive idea. Why on Earth would we go out and bowl on such a beautiful night?

I tell him what I think. I say that there are many more things that we can do that does not require us to spend money. Or handle any balls. 

My friends laugh at this. I do not know why; sometimes they repulse me with their demented minds. To try and end their amusement, I say simply that I do not wish to go bowling. 

My friend Harrison proposes that we should go see some stupid movie, but since all of us are already going to be doing this tomorrow the idea repulses all of us. One can only watch so many movie in a 24 hour period. 

Harrison argues that it is a better alternative than bowling, and that it is cheaper too.

My other friend Matt laughs at Harrison's stupidity. He says that the family bowl charges much, much less than regal cinemas does for a night of entertainment. He says that we should go and run over stray cats. We all look at him funny. We don't think that he is right in the head. 

Now he's done it. The pair of them are fighting like a married couple. In an odd, rather repulsive way, it is quite humorous, and allows Jacob and I to ask them when the wedding date is, and which of us would be the best man. But, since we are all guys, would we both be best men? This question arises from the argument. Jacob and I discuss this rather than bowling, while Matt and Harrison continue to hurl repulsive words and insults at each other. 

Eventually, all four of us are arguing whether or not we should go bowling once again. And once again I strike down that repulsive option and say that we should go swimming before Autumn arrives.  

Now Matt tries to drop a pun. He says that this whole conversation is 'bowling' and that if we do not decide on what to do soon, he was going to go home. 

I hit him for that. One, because the makers of bad puns should be thrown into a pit of fire, and two, because he was acting like a little sissy. I tell him that his threats to go home are repulsive, and no one likes to hang out with someone who tries to guilt trip everyone else into getting his way.

Matt simply says that I repulse him. I say that his creativity is stunning, and that I would like to hit him over the head with a bowling ball.

Now the topic of bowling has been brought to the table once again. I start to realize that we are going in circles, and I start to get the feeling that we will be forever trapped in the conundrum of whether or not we should go bowling. This very idea is frightening and repulsing. I start to panic. I cannot take it any longer. I must act, or we will be trapped in the vicious bowling cycle for eternity. 

I tag Harrison and run away, screaming that he now is infected with AIDS. Naturally, Matt and Jacob run away as well, doing their best to get away from our last, now repulsive, friend. But he does not play along. He simply gets in his car, and says that he is going to the doctor after seeing the stupid movie that he wanted to watch.

Then Jacob and Matt jump on the bandwagon an go do what they wanted to do, with Jacob going to the bowling alley and Matt going to see how many cats he can run over by morning. That child is truly repulsive in every sense of the over-used word. 

I decide that my Friday night is better spent pretending that I have better friends. I twiddle my thumbs, play some Wii sports bowling, eat a pizza, watch a hilarious but stupid movie, shoot hoops, and then throw my demon of a cat into the basement for yowling outside the front door. Yes, I decide, who needs friends who want to go do the mundane activities of bowling, watching movies, or running over cats? I am only kidding myself. Weird friendships are the best ones, and I mark this Friday night as 'fulfilled'. 

Is this her true nature? Or is it not?

Thursday, August 21-Mystery Lady

It seems to me
That the women who sits in the chair
Suffers from some sort of split personality

A bizarre case, if I am to be fair

When she sits there in this painting
I feel that she might be hiding
That she in fact has a strolling
Cat across her shoulders!
Here, the oddities do not end.

Is this her true nature? Or is it not?

I believe that there is an odd look in her eyes
They seem to look in both directions
Surely that can't be good for them?

And, I must say, looks rather dizzying.

Why is one hand different than the other?
Is that black on right and white on left?
There seems to be no point at all in this lack of
Cooperating paint on her fingernails, and
How is she wearing two different hats at once?

If one is pointy
Though the other is not
Surely that can't be the latest style?

Alas, what would I know?

With such an odd choice of color
I makes me start to wonder
That this poor women may in fact be
Colorblind, and can not see
Her very odd choice of attire!

Is that a nose,
There under her right eye?
Surely that can't be an ear?

Accounting the fact that she seems to have neither

Will all her body part be misaligned?
Is this something that will pass in time?
This is not normal, no I would say this
Can't be how a normal person is to be
How, oh how, did all this come to be?

Wednesday, August 20-Alter Ego

There is a name that all parents and children should come to fear, one that every household knows. If you ever had a childhood, or, in the unfortunate case that you did not, have a younger sibling, then you also know this name very well. He disguises himself as a friendly, child loving character on a kids TV channel. I don't actually know which one it is, and if you do, your life may be in danger, for this cunning character has a much darker motive than teaching kids manners. The purple and green dinosaur, Barney, really has no desire to teach little boys and girls to be nice to their parents and all that other junk. No, he wants to eat them.
Lets be honest here. This is a real, live, though oddly colored, Tyrannosaurs Rex, and everyone knows that they were the king of the dinosaurs. And he is a real monster, because if he is just a grown man in a costume then that would be even more disturbing.

Let me put it this way. We throw a handful of kids on stage with this carnivore, and to disguise his real motives he teaches them how to be polite and such. But it doesn't really matter for these handfuls of unfortunate kids. What do you think the studio producers pay Barney with? The kids that he was just teaching, of course! After every episode he feasts on the bones of children that are now able to sit up straight when they are at the dinner table. And in this case, that table is Barney's. Think about it, where else have you ever seen one of those Barney kids? No where! Why? Because each time they are sacrificed and consumed by the mighty thunder lizard! We, as a society, have subconsciously allowed a few children to be sacrificed every week for the sake of our own kids to learn some manners! Is it worth it? Are we any less monsters to allow this to happen?

What can we do about this, you may ask? Or  not, you know, unless you think little kids being devoured is funny. We must all gather our torches and pitchforks and run the monster out of this country, at the very least! This evil creature will never end his crusade for little kid nuggets, and we as a nation must do everything in our power to stop him. Death to Barney, for the lives of children everywhere!

Tuesday, August 19th-Scariest Place

They come and take you in the middle of the night. Away from your home and everything that you love. They take you to the farthest end of the Earth, through a simple, grey building. Then, they take you down, into the depths of the Earth, a place that the sane have never seen. The air is oppressively warm, almost stifling. It takes a great effort to draw in each breath. The only scent in the air is that of a hospital, clean and with a hint of medicinal alcohol. They take you down a spotless white hallway, and at the end, they throw you into a padded cell in complete darkness. Here you are imprisoned; not only in the dark room that is so hot that you can barely breath, but you are locked in the most horrifying place imaginable: the mind. The soul is always sane and fighting imprisonment if the mind remains free to wander. But here, completely alone, in the silence,  in the endless, stifling dark, there is no where free to go, no happy memories to recall or happy lands to visit. For this is now the land of nightmares, and there can be no escaping it.
Oh, the things the mind can come up with. Unable to hear, see, or hardly even breath, there is nothing from stopping the mind from delving into the deepest of unspoken secrets, the worst fears, and the most nagging doubts. There is no light, no sound, no companionship. The mind desperately seeks this; wants this. It begins to deteriorate, starved of all hopes and joys in the world. How long can you hold out? How long can you stop the mind from slipping? Does the world even continue, do the wheels of time still turn? Alone in the dark, it is impossible to know. Have you been here for an hour? A day? A month? Year? Everything good in the mind begins to abandon you; it becomes so hard to remember. What were the names of your friends and family? Are they looking for you? Do they even know you are gone? The part of the mind that still fights was to know, but the rest continues to repeat the simple word: alone, alone, all alone. And, as the darkness grows and the silence thickens, another troubling thought crosses dying mind, and you even begin to forget your own name. In the silence you thought to be eternal, there begins to be sounds. Not pleasant sounds, but the pounding of war drums, the faint whispers of those you cannot see. Are these sounds coming from outside your cell? Inside? Or are they there at all? Is there any logic, any reason? Do you even exist, or have you been trapped in the darkness for all your life? Will you ever leave it's maddening grip? Will you ever be allowed to escape the realm of nightmares that exists inside your own head? Because if you cannot escape, not break out, then the darkness will come alive and swallow you whole, and you will finally be allowed to sleep.

Friday, August 15 Creative Burst: First day of Kindergarten

For some reason, I can hardly remember my first day of school whatsoever. Maybe because I was home-schooled in kindergarten, but I don't think the idea of school really fazed me at all. In fact, the idea of learning seemed to have a certain appeal, and I have a few brief memories of myself happily doing lessons in my old bonus room.
If we jump ahead a year to the first day of first grade, there is a little bit more I can share. Once again, the whole idea of school wasn't too unnerving. Being away from the house and my parents for a whole day, with other people my age, seemed like a great adventure. I do remember entering my first grade classroom, and I can also remember exactly where it was in the school. My teacher was Mrs. Elder, and she was a sort of cranky little old woman. My mom didn't stay too long with me on the first day, she left way before most of the other parents did. Being in a completely unknown environment did not bother me, and I remember wandering around the classroom to see what toys and books that the place had to offer. I also remember taking out my dry erase board and scribbling all over it for some reason, and I had to be told that you had to clean the board when you were done drawing on it. This was an interesting concept for me, so I can honestly say that I learned something on my very first day of school.  I made many friends easily that day. Meeting new kids my age was exciting for me, since I grew up in a neighborhood that didn't have a lot of kids that were the same age as me. Back then, I was really outgoing, and I could talk to just about anyone and make them my friend. However, there was this one kid that annoyed me so much because he thought he was funny, and, like many who believe that, aren't at all. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie too, so you could never take him seriously. I also remember really loving the playground for some reason. Maybe because it actually had swings, and for some reason no playground down in the south ever have very many of those. The place also was a wonderland in the winter, when all the snow from the parking lot was dumped on one end of the place.
I don't really remember much else about the first day, and there aren't very many memories about that year that I can really say for sure are real. I think I can say that that year wasn't the best, because I was never again so excited to go back to school at the end of each summer. I think that feeling deteriorates each year that goes by. But for the first day, it brought me excitement, perhaps some slight anxiety, and a determination to learn.

8-14-14 Creative Burst:  Super Gross Fried Seaweed

I was once told that this particular food item tasted something like potato chips. I am fairly certain that I had never been told a bigger lie in all of my life. To put it plainly, tasting some of this food might end your life. Or your heart. Either way, you will not end up in a good shape.
To try and duplicate this taste, one first must go and pick some old, dirty crabgrass on some street corner. Next, go out and buy a cheap cooking pot. I say cheap because you will never want to use it again. Take a trip to the ocean, and if that is too far the nearest body of salt water will do. Simply fill the pot with the water and throw in the grass that you found earlier. Boil it up so the grass becomes really soggy and starts to look like real seaweed. Once this has happened, put a bunch of extra salt into the mixture, and let it boil a little more. Then remove your essence of nastiness (which is the very salty and soggy grass for those who have not been following along) and put it in the oven and cook it until it is hard and chip-like. Oh the irony. Remove the cooked grass from the over, and, for good measure, sprinkle more salt on top of it. Now, your oh so delicious treat is ready to be consumed at your own risk. If you really want to try it, I suggest that you scrape off all of your taste buds beforehand. For those hardcore folks out there, at least have about three bottles of water to keep you hydrated and quell the horrible, horrible salty taste from your mouth.
If you dare to try this stuff without either shaving off all of your taste buds and doing it without at least a gallon of water, you will get the sensation that you are crunching on a solid cube of salt that happens to taste like horribly overcooked asparagus. If the massive amount of salt doesn't kill you first, your gag reflex will. If you survive the encounter, I strongly suggest that you burn all crabgrass that you ever find and spread the word of this delightful treat so no poor, unsuspecting victim ever has to experience the same fate that you did.

This stuff was made by Satan to destroy the human race.

8-13-14 Creative Burst: Cat Diary

Day 1:
New masters have arrived for me today. I have been told that I am to be moving into a new home, but I am not fooled; this is just a transfer from one prison to another. The masters crammed me into a movable cell, and now they are taking me into the belly of one of their growling cars.

Day 3:
I have been hiding in my new prison, and the masters have yet to find me. Little do they know, I am highly capable of sneaking around in the night. They have left food out in a bowl in an attempt to draw me out, but I am not fooled.

Day 7:
I am holed up in the closet in the guest bedroom. The masters have found me at last, but I will not give in to their fake offerings of food. However, I am starting to get hungry. When they sleep, I will sneak out and try a little bit of their food. I would not be surprised if it is poisoned. There is no point in me hanging around here any longer; I might as well head for the room they call the 'kitchen'. If I am caught, this may be my last journal entry.

Day 39:
I have started to settle into this new prison, and by that I mean I know all the best ambush places to attack the masters from. For some reason, they keep making attempts to appease me, but I am quick to show how I feel about them. The food does not seem to be deadly, but if it is a poison, it is a slow acting one. I suspect that the masters are trying to lure me into a false sense of security. I must stand strong, I must not give in.

Day 94:
I must get out! The masters never let me outside, and this new prison I fear will be the death of me. I have tried to fool the masters into letting me out the door, but I suppose my actions in the past have caused them to not trust me. I must re-double my efforts.

Day 235:
There is nothing for it. The masters have to go. I have been working on ways to get them out of the way for days now, but nothing works. My last attempt was to trip the male master when he was on the top of the stairs, but all that resulted was me being kicked down instead. For my own survival, I must break free. I will try again tomorrow by spilling milk on the kitchen floor.

Day 456:
All hope is lost. The masters are too clever to be tricked into falling into any of my traps. Though I will never submit myself to their tyranny, I believe the only way that I will ever get out is to earn their trust. This will take all of my courage, but in the name of cats, I must continue on.